Tag: stay at home

10 Points for Reading Book! How Many Scores for Writing One?

I never thought keeping score would be this depressing. I even never thought that I would be keeping score for everything I’ve done during my break. Welcome to so-called “New Normal” my version.

I don’t know when it all started. I was a super flexible person. Go with the flow. Even when it comes to traveling, I only make lists for the places I’d like to visit. I’m a very punctual person, but I never arrange my day to day in a neat scheduler (except for meetings in work of course). Until recently. During this never ending pandemic/quarantine/stay at home time.

Somehow, there’s a slight anxiety or a terrible feeling when it comes to time for myself. Say that it’s weekend, or even in the evening during weekdays. I’m so scared that I would be doing such an “unproductive” things. I don’t even know what those things are, because, even worse, everything feels so wrong.

I started to make a mental note. A mental list on what I should do during the free time. The list always revolves around my hobbies or things that I love to do. Because I thought it will simply give me a content feeling. Like I’m progressing in something or achieving something. Like I can show to the world, “Hey, do whatever your want to do! But you can’t fuck with me!” The list also revolves around what thing I can learn during this stranded time. Or “produce” something. Like a page of coloring book, or a simple small painting, or a song to be mastered. So, every weekend, starting Friday night, I make a list. How many pages I have to read for a book I currently read (or maybe even finish it during the weekend), how many blog posts, how many TV series/movies that I could watch so I can take it out from my watchlist, how I should spend time for rearranging furniture/bookshelves, how many hours I should spend to play games in PlayStation, what kind of recipes I should try to learn, which songs I should learn, and so on, and so on.

Soon, it became like a chores. Something that if I didn’t do, I would blame myself. I always feel a regret every time I took a nap during weekend, because 1 hour nap could equal to 60 pages book read or 1 song to master with my Ukulele. I hate myself just for laying in bed for hours because my mind is just to tired with everything. What makes it worse, I curse myself just because I watch too many shows or play games longer, instead of reading books or writing. It’s getting difficult to enjoy what I used to enjoy because there’s a race in my head. It’s like I’m keeping score for all those activities I should just enjoy. How many scores you should give to read a book? is it higher than watching your fav show? or is it lower than writing this blog post?

Not to mention how time flies unusually fast these days. I can’t just believe we’ve been in 2nd half of 2021 and 2019 feels like decades ago. Every day is just another day with the news of your closest friends being affected by Covid-19 or your loved one passed away. I woke up quite early everyday, never past 8 AM. But before I’d done anything, suddenly it’s past midday, and there goes the guilty feeling. “How come I haven’t done anything? Why did I spent another 1 hour just to watch YouTube? Why didn’t I start on writing my book instead? Why should I feel tired all the time? I don’t have time to feel tired!” These train of thoughts haunted me as the time passed. There’s a very big temptation to list down what I had done in a day. Just so I can assure myself that I don’t have to feel like a piece of trash laying on the ground doing nothing. It’s harsh, I know. But It’s true. And It’s getting harder every time.

I don’t know how this happened. Or why. Or how to stop it. Or should I stop it or not. Everything is so biased right now. We don’t know which information is right or whom to believe. It feels like we’re on our own battle and this kind of thoughts is enemy against the anxiety war. The war that everyone has on their own. Will it be over soon? Or does it normal to feel like this during this “new normal”? Because if it does so, then I don’t know what “enjoy” means anymore.

Am I Turning Into An Introvert?

Is it possible? Coz’ I feel like one now. Especially after a year stay at home due to this pandemic. A year with no traveling, meeting friends through video calls or doing groceries by online.

My office enacts the “Work From Home” since March 2020. Starting 2 weeks after that, It was the first time I have an anxiety. I was having a mild depression. I had insomnia for don’t know how many nights. I felt fatigued every night. My eyes became sore and keep excreting gunk whole day. Seeing screens never felt so exhausting and frustrating like then. Some of my close friends who know me try to reach me out coz they know for real that an Extrovert like me would felt so much stressed in this kind of situation. I can say the first 2 months was hard for me. I knew what to do, but it’d mean I had to go out of home, chill in a cafe/bar, meet some friends, etc, which are impossible to do. It felt like I didn’t have much choices and had to accept the truth that I’m going to lose my mind. What a sad, distressing and painful days of my life.

Then I started to read again. A hobby that was somehow forgotten for about more than a year. I remember I started with one of the book that saved my life last year : Filosofi Teras by Henry Manampiring. This book really helped me with the stress management. I learnt about Stoicism and practically since then I practice it day by day. Suddenly I found the way to be happy again in such challenging time. I read and I read. Nonfictions, fictions, histories, autobiographies. It helped my mind to have some rests from the reality and merge into many worlds books could offer. It gave me a lot of new perspectives and reminded me to keep being an open-minded, which really helped me to be grateful somehow. And most importantly, gave me lots lots of idea on how to strive in this situation. Very much needed indeed. I managed to read 24 books since March until the end of 2020.

The books I managed to finish from May – Dec 2020

Then, I started to write again. I remember I started it by writing a journal. From 5 minutes per day before starting to work, to 1 page minimum per day, then suddenly I began to write about my mind a lot. I wrote basically about everything. About things I found in works, or about books I read, and most likely what scared me the most those days. Somehow it helped me to rearrange my scrambled mind. I started to make list on what to achieve during the locked down. Then, I reactivated my blog. I joined a challenge to write everyday for 30 days (you can find my 30-days-writting-challenge here). Writing helped me to find a purpose in such limited situation.

Writings reminded me that I always have a target every year to learn something new. I decided to learned Spanish and Japanese. Also, I learned how to draw. The latter helped to face my old fears. And suddenly I have this second profile on Instagram here where I usually put two things I wanna learn during this time; drawing and story telling. I never imagined before that drawing would help to reduce my anxiety a lot. Sometimes I felt like I got into the zone and snoozing off from the rumble I had in my mind and suddenly felt the serenity within. I learned to appreciate more to the process than the result only. Now, I’m learning the next art I want to master; playing a music instrument. After a long call meeting, I tried to take a deep breath and spent 10 minutes to play or learn a song. It’s surprising me how 10 minutes can make mind and soul so refreshed!

I spent a long time feeling terrible about how unproductive I was being. Then, I spent time trying to forgive myself for all that judgment. Now, I’m just grateful for creativity, whenever it comes and in whatever form.”

Gavin Creel, one of my fav Broadway star, on how to cope during this pandemic that I can 100% relate
Meet Kuro, one of my life savior

So, yeah, basically Reading, Writing and Arts really helped me this past 1 year. Then, I just realized, I’m getting more and more uninterested in going out and meeting people. Not only I’m still kinda afraid with the virus, but it’s like I feel that I can find more happiness and calmness here at home, by myself. When my office announced that the WFH is extended until further notice, there’s a part of me that saying “yaayy!”. Though I know, I’d be delighted seeing my friends again later, I’d be okay to stay like this for a little longer time until everything is much better. Am I turning into an Introvert? Ambivert? Or am I simply adapting? Any ways, I’m enjoying my life and grateful for it.