I never thought keeping score would be this depressing. I even never thought that I would be keeping score for everything I’ve done during my break. Welcome to so-called “New Normal” my version.
I don’t know when it all started. I was a super flexible person. Go with the flow. Even when it comes to traveling, I only make lists for the places I’d like to visit. I’m a very punctual person, but I never arrange my day to day in a neat scheduler (except for meetings in work of course). Until recently. During this never ending pandemic/quarantine/stay at home time.
Somehow, there’s a slight anxiety or a terrible feeling when it comes to time for myself. Say that it’s weekend, or even in the evening during weekdays. I’m so scared that I would be doing such an “unproductive” things. I don’t even know what those things are, because, even worse, everything feels so wrong.
I started to make a mental note. A mental list on what I should do during the free time. The list always revolves around my hobbies or things that I love to do. Because I thought it will simply give me a content feeling. Like I’m progressing in something or achieving something. Like I can show to the world, “Hey, do whatever your want to do! But you can’t fuck with me!” The list also revolves around what thing I can learn during this stranded time. Or “produce” something. Like a page of coloring book, or a simple small painting, or a song to be mastered. So, every weekend, starting Friday night, I make a list. How many pages I have to read for a book I currently read (or maybe even finish it during the weekend), how many blog posts, how many TV series/movies that I could watch so I can take it out from my watchlist, how I should spend time for rearranging furniture/bookshelves, how many hours I should spend to play games in PlayStation, what kind of recipes I should try to learn, which songs I should learn, and so on, and so on.
Soon, it became like a chores. Something that if I didn’t do, I would blame myself. I always feel a regret every time I took a nap during weekend, because 1 hour nap could equal to 60 pages book read or 1 song to master with my Ukulele. I hate myself just for laying in bed for hours because my mind is just to tired with everything. What makes it worse, I curse myself just because I watch too many shows or play games longer, instead of reading books or writing. It’s getting difficult to enjoy what I used to enjoy because there’s a race in my head. It’s like I’m keeping score for all those activities I should just enjoy. How many scores you should give to read a book? is it higher than watching your fav show? or is it lower than writing this blog post?
Not to mention how time flies unusually fast these days. I can’t just believe we’ve been in 2nd half of 2021 and 2019 feels like decades ago. Every day is just another day with the news of your closest friends being affected by Covid-19 or your loved one passed away. I woke up quite early everyday, never past 8 AM. But before I’d done anything, suddenly it’s past midday, and there goes the guilty feeling. “How come I haven’t done anything? Why did I spent another 1 hour just to watch YouTube? Why didn’t I start on writing my book instead? Why should I feel tired all the time? I don’t have time to feel tired!” These train of thoughts haunted me as the time passed. There’s a very big temptation to list down what I had done in a day. Just so I can assure myself that I don’t have to feel like a piece of trash laying on the ground doing nothing. It’s harsh, I know. But It’s true. And It’s getting harder every time.
I don’t know how this happened. Or why. Or how to stop it. Or should I stop it or not. Everything is so biased right now. We don’t know which information is right or whom to believe. It feels like we’re on our own battle and this kind of thoughts is enemy against the anxiety war. The war that everyone has on their own. Will it be over soon? Or does it normal to feel like this during this “new normal”? Because if it does so, then I don’t know what “enjoy” means anymore.
Primadisya's Locus Pocus 