Today’s news are devastating. When it comes from our closest ones, it’s stressful and saddened. When it comes from the media, it’s confusing and biased. Social media, where it’s usually a place where people showing off their happiness, is showing more obituaries these days and isn’t “strong” enough to show the fake happiness. It used to be laughs, inspiration, pride or maybe envy at the least, but never too much of sadness like these days. So, what should we do?
I don’t know.
People are forced to focus on those devastating news these days. So when it comes to socializing, everything feels different. I just had a reunion with my high school classmates last weekend. Online, of course. The main topic was of course, the pandemic. How half of us were either currently affected or just survived from the virus. No fun topics, not much on some nostalgias, all was about how we tried to listened to those who’s affected. Not that it’s bad. I feel sorry and pray for their recovery. But, is it wrong if, just for awhile, we swift our mind to something less terrifying?
I’m not sure.
But I think that’s what I’m doing right now.
I wrote before that I’m currently somewhat obsessed with musical, especially when it comes to live musical performance, such as Broadway, West End, or anything. Not only I watch it over and over again, I listen to its albums, memorize my fav lines by heart, even spend a lot of times for belting out my fav songs. It’s totally okay, indeed. But there’s actually a reason why I keep staying in that obsession for more than 1 year : none of my friends or family shares the same obsession. It feels like I’m totally alone in this world where I can pour all my emotions without anyone hears about it. It feels like all the laugh, joy and happiness are only for me, not anybody else in my circle. Yes, it feels good to have all the joy for me and myself only. Sounds selfish? Yeah, I know it by heart. But, I really need all the happiness to be absorbed by my soul. I just want to enjoy something by myself. So, I run away to some fictional beauty that only I can enjoy it.
I also found myself into writing. Just small notes about a small fictional words. Not even part of the story in the book I’m currently writing. Just short notes, stories or thoughts of what-if. Mostly I found myself writing it on the break between meetings or before starting the day. Not that I’m gonna explore all those thoughts to be a story. It just feels so good to take a break from a reality. MY reality. I let my mind wanders. To a new world. Or to some other existing fictionized words that I change or add a bit parallel universe from it. As much as I can do just to spend times not staying in current reality. Yes, I run away from my real life. For a while, it feels so good.
Well, I don’t know if it’s actually helping my anxiety or it’s just a false hope. Or, purely a selfish act. Sometimes I feel bad about it because I realized I know little about my surrounding. It looks like I become ignorant to any kind of news. Or, even worse, when I know there were some of my friends affected by Covid-19, I didn’t do much thing. I only asked how they were doing, said a necessary pray for them to get well soon, but doing nothing to help them get through it. Not even checking them on in daily basis. There’s a thought in my mind that saying “I’m exhausted and stressful enough. I can’t even help myself. How can I help others?” It feels wrong, but I just let out a shrug and continue to do what I do in those fake happiness.
But, is it really fake if I really feel it?
Why it feels so wrong these days to let myself enjoying something I can only enjoy?
Is it wrong to run away from all of this? It’s just for a while, though, I promise.
Primadisya's Locus Pocus 