Am I Turning Into An Introvert?

Is it possible? Coz’ I feel like one now. Especially after a year stay at home due to this pandemic. A year with no traveling, meeting friends through video calls or doing groceries by online.

My office enacts the “Work From Home” since March 2020. Starting 2 weeks after that, It was the first time I have an anxiety. I was having a mild depression. I had insomnia for don’t know how many nights. I felt fatigued every night. My eyes became sore and keep excreting gunk whole day. Seeing screens never felt so exhausting and frustrating like then. Some of my close friends who know me try to reach me out coz they know for real that an Extrovert like me would felt so much stressed in this kind of situation. I can say the first 2 months was hard for me. I knew what to do, but it’d mean I had to go out of home, chill in a cafe/bar, meet some friends, etc, which are impossible to do. It felt like I didn’t have much choices and had to accept the truth that I’m going to lose my mind. What a sad, distressing and painful days of my life.

Then I started to read again. A hobby that was somehow forgotten for about more than a year. I remember I started with one of the book that saved my life last year : Filosofi Teras by Henry Manampiring. This book really helped me with the stress management. I learnt about Stoicism and practically since then I practice it day by day. Suddenly I found the way to be happy again in such challenging time. I read and I read. Nonfictions, fictions, histories, autobiographies. It helped my mind to have some rests from the reality and merge into many worlds books could offer. It gave me a lot of new perspectives and reminded me to keep being an open-minded, which really helped me to be grateful somehow. And most importantly, gave me lots lots of idea on how to strive in this situation. Very much needed indeed. I managed to read 24 books since March until the end of 2020.

The books I managed to finish from May – Dec 2020

Then, I started to write again. I remember I started it by writing a journal. From 5 minutes per day before starting to work, to 1 page minimum per day, then suddenly I began to write about my mind a lot. I wrote basically about everything. About things I found in works, or about books I read, and most likely what scared me the most those days. Somehow it helped me to rearrange my scrambled mind. I started to make list on what to achieve during the locked down. Then, I reactivated my blog. I joined a challenge to write everyday for 30 days (you can find my 30-days-writting-challenge here). Writing helped me to find a purpose in such limited situation.

Writings reminded me that I always have a target every year to learn something new. I decided to learned Spanish and Japanese. Also, I learned how to draw. The latter helped to face my old fears. And suddenly I have this second profile on Instagram here where I usually put two things I wanna learn during this time; drawing and story telling. I never imagined before that drawing would help to reduce my anxiety a lot. Sometimes I felt like I got into the zone and snoozing off from the rumble I had in my mind and suddenly felt the serenity within. I learned to appreciate more to the process than the result only. Now, I’m learning the next art I want to master; playing a music instrument. After a long call meeting, I tried to take a deep breath and spent 10 minutes to play or learn a song. It’s surprising me how 10 minutes can make mind and soul so refreshed!

I spent a long time feeling terrible about how unproductive I was being. Then, I spent time trying to forgive myself for all that judgment. Now, I’m just grateful for creativity, whenever it comes and in whatever form.”
Gavin Creel, one of my fav Broadway star, on how to cope during this pandemic that I can 100% relate

So, yeah, basically Reading, Writing and Arts really helped me this past 1 year. Then, I just realized, I’m getting more and more uninterested in going out and meeting people. Not only I’m still kinda afraid with the virus, but it’s like I feel that I can find more happiness and calmness here at home, by myself. When my office announced that the WFH is extended until further notice, there’s a part of me that saying “yaayy!”. Though I know, I’d be delighted seeing my friends again later, I’d be okay to stay like this for a little longer time until everything is much better. Am I turning into an Introvert? Ambivert? Or am I simply adapting? Any ways, I’m enjoying my life and grateful for it.

Day 2, Quote 2, by Shantideva

Whatever joy there is in the world
Arises from wishing for others’ happiness.
Whatever suffering there is in the world
Arises from wishing for your own happiness.
Shantideva

This year is definitely an irregular year. Everything turns upside down, it makes us questioning our purpose. We start thinking, is everything that used to makes us happy still the same? Or is it getting biased now? Are we put ourselves too much, or do we care our loved ones enough? What do we need, is it being loved? is it loving? or simply….striving and thriving?

A friend of mine share the quote in the group one day. It is a reminder of old saying that “we need to put others first before ourselves”. That we can attain such joy after we see our loved ones happy. That too much ambition could lead us to disappointment and suffering. A reminder that it is easy to be happy once others are happy.

Is it? Easy?

These uncertainties we’re having these days create many ambiguities. We were too stressed that everything becomes so biased. We’re forgetting our plans, giving up our initial hopes, and shifting our purpose. We don’t see far to the future, we just chase what is in front of us. We tend to think it’s the only way to makes us survive. We’re becoming too focus on ourselves, and less aware about the suffer that happens around us.

But, we’ve forgotten a simple, yet most important, goal. Happiness. Worse, we’ve forgotten, that we need home to have that. That the home must be welcoming, warm and full of love to make us feel safe and content. Your closest friends are your home. Your family is your home. Your community around you is your home. It’s where the happiness lies.

So, don’t you wanna try what the quote saying?

Happiness is…

Everything changes during this pandemic. We’re forced not to have our usual activities outside, not to hang out with our dearest friends, not to hug our parents. We’re getting stressed. Everything seems so biased, confusing and frightening. We’re questioning everything. Including, when will we be happy again? Or even worse, will we have that same old happiness again?

There is an old saying from Latin proverbs, “He is not happy who does not realize his happiness.” One thing I learn from this pandemic is that the happiness is already within us. We just need some times to find and realize it.

I used to think traveling makes me happy. It indeed makes me content. Meeting new people, exploring new places, finding hidden gems, learning about history and culture, tasting local cuisines. I feel like I’m living the life to the fullest every time I go traveling. But, am I happy enough after traveling ?

I always love reading books. It’s my short get away, especially after a long tired day full of meetings and deadlines. A short escape. I always read a book before I go to sleep, after having a nice hot water shower and light dinner. For awhile, I can merge into a whole new world, by only wearing my pajamas. I’m relaxed. But, am I happy enough once I close the book every night?

I love sharing stories. That’s what this blog and my other social media all about. My chat with friends mostly about me sharing my experiences, books I read, or places I visited. I love sharing my learnings, in the hope that it’ll inspire my friends as well. It feels like…..it completes me. But then what? Is it enough to make me happy?

To answer all of those questions above, it’s not to answer it at all. If you feel happy already, why do you have to question it? It’s there. Within yourself. You’ve found it. You just need to realize more of it.

What things make me happy?

I never thought that this question will be hard to answer.

"Isn't it easy and simple? You love traveling! You love reading books!"

After a long contemplation (read : 1D1N thinking, couple of time spending in the toilet, keep asking Abang or staring blankly into my laptop screen), I realized that traveling and books are not the one that makes me happy. They’re just the bridge for me to gain the happiness.

I feel happy, when I visited new places, I could speak with local people using their local language.

I feel happy, when I traveled to new country, not only I tried on their local cuisines, but also know about story behind why they prepare such cuisines that way.

I feel happy, when I came to a museum, I learned a history about places or public figures. It usually made me love them more and more.

I fell happy, when I read a book or had some chats with local people, I learned something new that you would not found simply by googling it.

Seeing local people smile, and the feeling of being welcomed that came afterward, that what makes me happy. Finding a small trivia excites me like finding a hidden gem. Not only experiencing new things, but also experiencing it thoroughly and wholeheartedly.

I feel happy when I feel welcomed/belonged/engaged/close to 
some books I read, places I visited, and some people I knew. 

Isn't it easy and simple?