When I fell head over heels.

When your hearts beats abnormally. When you feel like you have butterfly in your stomach. When you just realized that you still have all of those things even after a long time relationship with your significant other, even after the ups and downs or all the hiccups along the way, you know it could be a sign that you’re loving someone.

It could be tiring, you know, loving someone. Because you never stop care about them. You never stop worry about them. In your meantime, you remember them, and suddenly it occurs to you, “has he/she eaten? has he/she drunk enough water? is he/she tired now with all those works? is he/she okay or happy?”. They’re still on top of your mind, even after your own long tiring day.

It could be tormenting, sometimes, loving someone. Especially when they’re in their lowest condition. We can’t stand seeing them so sick, sad or frustrated. If possible, we’d love to swap for awhile. “God, let me be the one who’s sick/sad/frustrated. Let them always be healthy and happy”, we beg God. Like, really begging.

But, mostly, it would be comforting, strengthening, and encouraging. Their hugs will feel like a charger after a long day. You feel like you’d like to spend hours just to cuddle with your him/her. Even without words being said. Their corny dad jokes will make you laugh out loud, somehow. You just didn’t realize that it’s not the joke that makes you laugh and have fun. But, it’s because you’re in your most comfort zone. You’re relax and letting go the negativity. You be your most inner self, loving and being loved limitless. It’s not because who they are, but, it’s because who we are when we’re with them.

You know what? It’s not only a theory about loving someone. It’s true. I have it, with Abang. The only person on earth that I care so much I can’t stop worrying him. Still, I have no objection with it. That being with him means recharging with all the cuddles, talks, and laughs. That spending time with him feels like home. Always.

Thank you notes

Let me write this to the ones that inspires me through my whole life.

Thank you, to my friends, who make me realize that human has unexpectedly limitless power as long as we have the willingness. There’s my friends who finally can run a full marathon after long trainings. My friends who tirelessly learn things that they love, through courses or even chasing doctoral program. Or my friends who manage their time so they can do sooo many things in a day that it seems they have more than 24 hours.

Thank you, to my fellows, who make me aware that there’s no such thing as being late in finding passion. Let alone starting the quest to find one. You who start new hobbies and learn it by heart. You who passionately share things you just love dearly. Or you, who learn a lot of things, because you still don’t find something that clicks, yet, you never stop learning. You’re the reasons behind why I start writing again and learn to paint.

Thank you, to my mates, who show me that being grateful, kind and genuine is not overrated. You, with your pure hearts, make a fundraising as your main activity. You, who’s always being selfless, always put others first. My friends who cares not only their close ones, but also to their surroundings. By helping communities, consulting moms in labor, or regularly doing blood donation.

And lastly, thank you to my families and best friends, who keep reminding me the power of love and support to your closed ones. The way you always reach out to me. The way you’re always there when I need my main “support system” the most. The way you’re mad at me when I made a mistake. The way you somewhat proud of me, even in my lowest time, which is really encouraging me to not giving up.

I’m beyond grateful to know all of you. You’re the actual mentor in the real life.

So, thank you.

Postcard. Why bother?

A friend of mine who often travel with me always asking the same questions “Why do you bother sending all of those postcards?”. He’s always questioning my motive, although he always voluntarily accompany me in a quest to find a nice postcard and stamp, to accompany me in a coffeeshop writing it one by one (sometimes he even helped me writing the address), and to remind me to ask the receptionist to post it for me. He’s right tho, so many efforts, yet why bother?

I always spend time to look for postcards. I have list of friends whom I’ll be sending it to. I even chose the postcards carefully, which one to which friend. Why? because each postcard will have a story. A story that I know I can only share it to these particular friends of mine. It is a personal message for their eyes only. Thus, the picture in the postcard will be aligned with this mission. When we were still dating, I sent a postcard to Abang, telling something that I didn’t tell him when we’re texting or calling. It’s always started and ended with a native language on how to start and end a conversation. Now that we’re married, Abang and I send each of us postcards that we’ll only read it when it’s arrived already.

Postcards board that I set in front of my working desk at home

Mostly, I tell about the my unique findings in that particular trip. If I found something that reminds me about my friends, I’m telling them that. When I eat the favorite food of my friends. Or when I went to same places that we went before. Or about a cute guy I met during the trip, whom I know we’d be talk about. Sometimes I write funny things. Once, I wrote a price list of every foods Abang and I ate during the trip. When we read it again once it’s arrived, we’re shock. Not on how much we spent, but on how much we ate!

I’m not really sure why I bother to do so much effort and make each of the postcards very personal. I guess it’s just my way to show how I care my loved ones so much. I want to share, not in a formality, but in a way we’re talking to each other directly. Or it’s also a way for me to reminiscing every trip I’ve made. A fun reminder to make life counts and be grateful.

Stoic and Brush

Every year, I always set 1 resolution that is the same with previous years. “Learn something new”. 2 years ago, I learned how to write and read Javanese script. A year ago I learned how to climb. This year, thanks to the pandemic, I learn new things more than usual.

The first thing I learn this year, that really really help me to strive during this pandemic, is stoicism. According to Wikipedia, the path to eudaimonia (happiness, or blessedness) is found in accepting the moment as it presents itself, by not allowing oneself to be controlled by the desire for pleasure or fear of pain, by using one’s mind to understand the world and to do one’s part in nature’s plan, and by working together and treating others fairly and justly. To be honest it’s a very hard thing to be learned, but we can always start with one thing : focus only to things that we can control. We’re in control of our best effort, we’re in control of our way on diet and exercise, but we’re not in control of how the results are in people’s minds. So, after reading about it, all my energy is focusing on doing best things. I make myself to believe that it’s the process that matters. It’s the process that makes us being our true and best self.

Stoicism also taught us on how to treat others fairly. I train myself to stop thinking negatively to people around me. I try to put myself in other’s shoes. I try to understand their thinking, by set aside my ego and assumption. Remember that assumption leads to disappointment, and nothing good comes from too much ego. World is facing a global issue that leads us to anxiety, trust issue and hopeless feeling. Maybe, just maybe, if we start to treat people around us justly, we can help the world with this small positive vibrant 🙂 .

There are a lot of things still need to be learned from stoicism. I’m still in the process tho. At least, it helps me to make peace with myself. It helps me to be more focused and calm. It helps me to finally learn something I’m afraid to learn before; painting. I was so afraid to do it earlier because I always thought that painting is not for me. When I was 5 years old, I was told blatantly that my drawings were so bad that I wouldn’t be able to master drawing at all. It haunted me. I really wanted to be able to draw, or sketch, or paint, but, all I could think is that the result will be disappointing. So, yeah, thank you stoicism. It really saves me from my traumatic childhood.

It’s not that I only learn how to draw. Drawing or painting itself teaches me a lot. It teaches me how to appreciate art and the artist even more. It teaches me to always think outside the box (especially the moment when you stroke your brush mistakenly that you needed to find a way to disguise it hahaha!). It teaches me to let loose. To choose colors with no further thinking. To express myself by providing my own safe zone. Most importantly, drawing or painting gives me serenity. It’s indeed a therapeutic activity. It gives me time to know myself.

Again, I’m writing this not to brag on how much I’ve learned in this past 6 months. Instead, I want to ask you. To not giving up with the conditions. To not stop learning. To never stop loving yourself by giving yourself what you deserve. You deserve the positivity. The serenity. You deserve the freedom of fear and pain from other’s thinking about you.

Dear, Akas

How are you up there? We miss you here. Do you miss us? or me particularly?

How’s heaven? Earth is quite a mess right now. I imagine if you’re still with us, you probably the one with the most concerned, as you’re always be the one who always caring us the most. Especially when you know Abang is still work from office, I know exactly you’d tell us to take total precaution and telling us the latest news that you just find out on the news. And you’ll keep asking how we’re doing, through Oma or Mom.

I miss you everyday, especially every Sunday. When there’s your fav program on TV, boxing match. I think you’re the most dedicated boxing fans on earth, hehe! I miss you every time I watched PON (National Sport Weeks), because it reminds me you always introduced me proudly with your team when you were chief of Jambi KONI (Indonesia National Sport Committee). I guess it’s one of the reason why I love sports that much. I miss you on every road trip, because it reminds me how I sat on your laps and we’re competing to read all the signboards along the way. It was more than 25 years ago, but it just feels like 25 seconds ago. I miss you when I’m at the airports, because it reminds me most of my first travelings because you always brought me along in every holiday. I miss you every time I see Hotel Indonesia, because you woke me up that morning, carried me into your car, and took me there to eat the famous chicken porridge. I even miss you when I read the word “river” and “ocean” or the phrase “I’m feeling blue”. Because it’s one of the many English words you taught me. God, so many memories that triggered me to miss you badly.

Akas, there’s one thing I regret until now. That I haven’t told you this directly. You’re inspiring me. You’re the one who taught me to be kind. As a brother, as a father, as a grandfather, as a friends, as a leader, and as a family. Your kindness are reflected in your sayings, your deeds, and the way you’re listening to people around you (even though it seems like you’re into that video music you’re listening to). All people who knows you always say this to me, “Kak/Pak Alam was a very kind person. We’re really glad and blessed knowing him in our life”. When your grandchildren were gathering around you, you set the TV to our fav channel, just because you want us to feel comfortable and having fun. And one thing I know, your kindness wasn’t because you’re told to. Or because you need to prove anything. It’s just who you are.

So, thank you for all the life learnings (Especially on how to be on time. Very punctual. And by punctual, I mean it’s 30 mins early). For all the sweetest memories that any grandchildren could’ve asked for to their grandpa. I’m blessed I had been loved by you. Al-Fatihah.