Postcard. Why bother?

A friend of mine who often travel with me always asking the same questions “Why do you bother sending all of those postcards?”. He’s always questioning my motive, although he always voluntarily accompany me in a quest to find a nice postcard and stamp, to accompany me in a coffeeshop writing it one by one (sometimes he even helped me writing the address), and to remind me to ask the receptionist to post it for me. He’s right tho, so many efforts, yet why bother?

I always spend time to look for postcards. I have list of friends whom I’ll be sending it to. I even chose the postcards carefully, which one to which friend. Why? because each postcard will have a story. A story that I know I can only share it to these particular friends of mine. It is a personal message for their eyes only. Thus, the picture in the postcard will be aligned with this mission. When we were still dating, I sent a postcard to Abang, telling something that I didn’t tell him when we’re texting or calling. It’s always started and ended with a native language on how to start and end a conversation. Now that we’re married, Abang and I send each of us postcards that we’ll only read it when it’s arrived already.

Postcards board that I set in front of my working desk at home

Mostly, I tell about the my unique findings in that particular trip. If I found something that reminds me about my friends, I’m telling them that. When I eat the favorite food of my friends. Or when I went to same places that we went before. Or about a cute guy I met during the trip, whom I know we’d be talk about. Sometimes I write funny things. Once, I wrote a price list of every foods Abang and I ate during the trip. When we read it again once it’s arrived, we’re shock. Not on how much we spent, but on how much we ate!

I’m not really sure why I bother to do so much effort and make each of the postcards very personal. I guess it’s just my way to show how I care my loved ones so much. I want to share, not in a formality, but in a way we’re talking to each other directly. Or it’s also a way for me to reminiscing every trip I’ve made. A fun reminder to make life counts and be grateful.

Stoic and Brush

Every year, I always set 1 resolution that is the same with previous years. “Learn something new”. 2 years ago, I learned how to write and read Javanese script. A year ago I learned how to climb. This year, thanks to the pandemic, I learn new things more than usual.

The first thing I learn this year, that really really help me to strive during this pandemic, is stoicism. According to Wikipedia, the path to eudaimonia (happiness, or blessedness) is found in accepting the moment as it presents itself, by not allowing oneself to be controlled by the desire for pleasure or fear of pain, by using one’s mind to understand the world and to do one’s part in nature’s plan, and by working together and treating others fairly and justly. To be honest it’s a very hard thing to be learned, but we can always start with one thing : focus only to things that we can control. We’re in control of our best effort, we’re in control of our way on diet and exercise, but we’re not in control of how the results are in people’s minds. So, after reading about it, all my energy is focusing on doing best things. I make myself to believe that it’s the process that matters. It’s the process that makes us being our true and best self.

Stoicism also taught us on how to treat others fairly. I train myself to stop thinking negatively to people around me. I try to put myself in other’s shoes. I try to understand their thinking, by set aside my ego and assumption. Remember that assumption leads to disappointment, and nothing good comes from too much ego. World is facing a global issue that leads us to anxiety, trust issue and hopeless feeling. Maybe, just maybe, if we start to treat people around us justly, we can help the world with this small positive vibrant 🙂 .

There are a lot of things still need to be learned from stoicism. I’m still in the process tho. At least, it helps me to make peace with myself. It helps me to be more focused and calm. It helps me to finally learn something I’m afraid to learn before; painting. I was so afraid to do it earlier because I always thought that painting is not for me. When I was 5 years old, I was told blatantly that my drawings were so bad that I wouldn’t be able to master drawing at all. It haunted me. I really wanted to be able to draw, or sketch, or paint, but, all I could think is that the result will be disappointing. So, yeah, thank you stoicism. It really saves me from my traumatic childhood.

It’s not that I only learn how to draw. Drawing or painting itself teaches me a lot. It teaches me how to appreciate art and the artist even more. It teaches me to always think outside the box (especially the moment when you stroke your brush mistakenly that you needed to find a way to disguise it hahaha!). It teaches me to let loose. To choose colors with no further thinking. To express myself by providing my own safe zone. Most importantly, drawing or painting gives me serenity. It’s indeed a therapeutic activity. It gives me time to know myself.

Again, I’m writing this not to brag on how much I’ve learned in this past 6 months. Instead, I want to ask you. To not giving up with the conditions. To not stop learning. To never stop loving yourself by giving yourself what you deserve. You deserve the positivity. The serenity. You deserve the freedom of fear and pain from other’s thinking about you.

Dear, Akas

How are you up there? We miss you here. Do you miss us? or me particularly?

How’s heaven? Earth is quite a mess right now. I imagine if you’re still with us, you probably the one with the most concerned, as you’re always be the one who always caring us the most. Especially when you know Abang is still work from office, I know exactly you’d tell us to take total precaution and telling us the latest news that you just find out on the news. And you’ll keep asking how we’re doing, through Oma or Mom.

I miss you everyday, especially every Sunday. When there’s your fav program on TV, boxing match. I think you’re the most dedicated boxing fans on earth, hehe! I miss you every time I watched PON (National Sport Weeks), because it reminds me you always introduced me proudly with your team when you were chief of Jambi KONI (Indonesia National Sport Committee). I guess it’s one of the reason why I love sports that much. I miss you on every road trip, because it reminds me how I sat on your laps and we’re competing to read all the signboards along the way. It was more than 25 years ago, but it just feels like 25 seconds ago. I miss you when I’m at the airports, because it reminds me most of my first travelings because you always brought me along in every holiday. I miss you every time I see Hotel Indonesia, because you woke me up that morning, carried me into your car, and took me there to eat the famous chicken porridge. I even miss you when I read the word “river” and “ocean” or the phrase “I’m feeling blue”. Because it’s one of the many English words you taught me. God, so many memories that triggered me to miss you badly.

Akas, there’s one thing I regret until now. That I haven’t told you this directly. You’re inspiring me. You’re the one who taught me to be kind. As a brother, as a father, as a grandfather, as a friends, as a leader, and as a family. Your kindness are reflected in your sayings, your deeds, and the way you’re listening to people around you (even though it seems like you’re into that video music you’re listening to). All people who knows you always say this to me, “Kak/Pak Alam was a very kind person. We’re really glad and blessed knowing him in our life”. When your grandchildren were gathering around you, you set the TV to our fav channel, just because you want us to feel comfortable and having fun. And one thing I know, your kindness wasn’t because you’re told to. Or because you need to prove anything. It’s just who you are.

So, thank you for all the life learnings (Especially on how to be on time. Very punctual. And by punctual, I mean it’s 30 mins early). For all the sweetest memories that any grandchildren could’ve asked for to their grandpa. I’m blessed I had been loved by you. Al-Fatihah.

Day in a life in a quarantine : my way to fight anxiety as an extrovert.

I don’t know with you guys, but being quarantined for me means more busy than usual! So it’s been 6.5 months up until today that I have to work from home due to this pandemic. The first 2 months wash harsh, though. It’s tough, as we need to adjust everything. Suddenly, we were over worked. It seems like there’s no limit during office work. Also, there are a lot of things the we need to stop doing. We don’t know how to exercise outside. We stop meeting friends and loved ones. My insomnia relapsed, I couldn’t sleep for couple of weeks. Everything feels like a false hope and I was lost.

I remember it was the mid week of May. It had been 2 months of quarantine. I started writing every day. 1 page per day. About anything that came up to my mind every time I started writing. Every day, 5 mins before starting working, I write. Every time I write, my mind is getting clearer. Instantaneously I can control my emotions. No more panic attack, less insomnia and anxiety. Then, I started making plan.

I wrote all of my plans. Everything I would do in this given times. Then a lot of ideas came up. Some are new, some are the old ideas that had been sitting in my mind since long long ago but I just came with a lot of excuses for not doing that. Once I’m enriched with many ideas, I feel like I have a new purpose all of a sudden. Tbh, the idea list is quite ambitious. After a thorough thinking, I short it with things that I always love to do. So, I’ll feel like I’m doing it without being forced. The idea is, once I ticked most of the things from my list (although it starts with things I love), I’ll be more encouraged to do the others. I’m kind of proud of my self now that it’s 8 out of 16 things that has been done and became new habits of mine during quarantine. There are :

Learn to cook more new recipes
Write more (blog or handwriting)
Activate (and actively writing on) my blog
Read a lot of books
Learn how to paint/sketch
Create new IG content (again, visit @coretoan for these contents! :D)
Exercise more
Learn new language and practice everyday.

So, as today’s topic is about writing my day, I’ll reveal my day to day schedule to accommodate all of those things. I woke up around 6.15 to prepare breakfast for Abang. Mostly I go to sleep again around 8.00-9.00, then start working by 9.30. Before I join the challenge, I set 5-10 mins before working to write on my diary. I always make a hard stop for lunch on 12.00-13.00 that I usually use it to watch 1 ep of series as well :D. I’ll continue to work until 17.00 when it’s my hard stop time so I can have 30-45 minutes exercise. After showering and light dinner, before I continue to finish up a bit of work, I write on my blog. I’ll turn off my laptop around 21.00 and set aside my phone. It’s time for reading and language learning! I spare 1 hour to learn and 1-2 hours to read before I go to sleep around 00.00. I learn new recipes and how to sketch mostly on weekend. Every Tuesday & Friday, I also have 1 hour Japanese course. Here’s the result from 1 month attempt of Japanese course. Shout out to my bestfriend Ayu, who has been a great sensei for me!

わたしのまいにち
わたしはいつも６じ３０ぷんにおきます。朝ごはんはサンドイッチかぎはんをりゅりします。ときどきごぜん８じからごぜん９じまでまたねます。９じ３０ぷんからごご５じまでいえではたらきます。それからうんどうします。火曜日と金曜日は１じかんにほんごのべんきょうをします。ばんごはんはめったにたべません。
まいにち１じかんほんをよみます。土曜日とにちようびはたらきません。まいばんはブログをかきます。まいしゅうにちようびはえをかくとをべんきょうしています。
This is one of my homework this week. Writing on my daily activity looks like!

Sounds tiring and boring? Surprisingly not. Sometimes I took 30 mins break from working time to read couple of pages. Or sometimes instead of reading book, I do coloring. My workout menu always varies. Sometimes, it’s just a rest day and I spend the night just talking to Abang. I share my activities and learning in social media to fulfill my extrovert needs. Yes, I found a purpose. Not about to do many things, not about to show other people that you can do may stuffs, or not to be seemed like I’m thriving by doing these things. My purpose is only how to stay sane and happy. So I set my own limit, I set my own pace. Again, it’s all back to ourselves.

Lost in Translation

The one who’s making this challenge really love talking about “love” I think. This is the 2nd topic out of 3 topics about love. Didn’t they realize that love is the happiest feeling on earth but at the same time it is the hardest thing to explain? Even to show. A lot of people lost in trying to understand the act of love. Figuratively speaking, they’re lost in a translation of love language .

We all know there are many kinds of love in this life. Couple love, parent love, sibling love, friendship, love to our pet, even love to our own place or city. But there’s a silver lining above all of those; belonging. If you don’t have the sense of belonging out of something, someplace or someone, there will be no love between you. When you feel like you belong to anything, you want to keep it dearly in your heart. You don’t want to lose it. You hold tight onto it. Once you lose the sense, you let go. Not all love can be let go, though. It is forgotten sometimes, but not let go. Confusing, indeed.

Love has 2 faces, if you aware about it. Let’s call it the white devil and dark angel. It could trap you without you notice about it. It took most of your time and energy. It ruined your concentration and mostly your mood. It sometimes ruined your relationship with your friends or family. Yet, we somehow still felt very happy. We didn’t realize that there’s a white devil luring us to the trap. It’s called love. It could as well give you a frustration with all the attention. You somewhat forgot that to show love it doesn’t always mean to give flowers or celebrate anniversaries, but still, you were demanding to have all of those. When your parents grounded you or gave you earlier curfew, you hate it because you forgot that it’s actually because they love you. Love, here, looks like a dark angel. Misleading, perhaps.

Love is when you feel home. Within a city or with someone. You want to leave, but you’ll miss it. You’re tired with all the routine, but you need it because it feels safe. Sorry to sound so cliché, but without one, you’re a lost soul. You need it as a compass, as a lighthouse, to remind you sometimes the purpose of your life. Yes, in it, you’re still lost in translation. But, you know deep down you have all the clues.